I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
