piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
