Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
