i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
