im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize