I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
