youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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