hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
