there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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