just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
