he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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