whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
