he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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