Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
