oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
