Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
