Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
