How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
