her vagina looked like bernie madoff
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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