My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
third nipple confirmed
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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