U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
