she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
