luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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