I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
