I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
