just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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