the condom got lost in my hair
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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