it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize