I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
