Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
