I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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