I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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