omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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