i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i wish my penis had a tongue
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Randomize
