I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
