The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
