I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
