Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
