So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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