Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
