he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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