You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
