Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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