dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
