If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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