My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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