Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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