white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
