Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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