just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
