I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
