Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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