Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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