My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
