before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
