Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
