we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
