I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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