i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
