that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
