I think I died a long time ago.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
