Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
