My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
