walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
