I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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