Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
