just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
