Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
