I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
