HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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