She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize