I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
