I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My feet surprised me
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
