I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
